It has been about three and a half months since Gotcha Day and while this whole journey has been extremely rewarding, I have to admit it has not been a cake walk. I never want to complain, because I know God has blessed me beyond measure. However, the past several months have been a real challenge for us and we want to be honest about that. I write this because I was recently reminded that it is OK to admit that I'm not always OK and Matt has been encouraging me to share our struggles.
For several months leading up to Gotcha Day, my anxiety level was at an all-time high. Not about the adoption, but about a hundred other things that have never come to fruition. While it has calmed down some, it has not nearly subsided as much as I need it to. I remind myself that nothing I am ever anxious about ever actually materializes, but that does not seem to help at the moment.
Aside from anxiety (always in relation to my children), the biggest struggle for me has been going from Mom to Referee.
As a mother of one, my relationship with my first child was absolutely amazing. And I recognize how easy I had it. Now, I feel like I am constantly trying to figure out how to balance the desires and wills of a three-year-old and a two-year-old who both want all of my attention at the same time. While I try to do my best for them every day, I have not yet figured out the balance and it tears at my heart. I am told I am too hard on myself, but raising my two children is the most important thing I have ever and will ever do - I just want to give them the best childhood (including the best me) that I can. Many days, though, my emotions are raw and I am mentally exhausted.
In all of the training, reading and talking with adoptive families that we did prior to Gotcha Day, the one thing we were never warned about was the impact of the adoption on our biological child. Everything and everyone talked about the adopted child. What we were not prepared for was the regression displayed by our biological son. The time period when he stopped talking because Peter can not talk. The grunting and groaning because that is the way Peter communicates. The increased whining, disobedience and rebellion in response to now having to share my attention. I know that none of this is unique, but it is still difficult. It is not all the time, but it is still trying, frustrating and draining.
I must compliment Noah's patience with Peter's intense, frenzied, loud and incessant groaning in relation to his food obsession, and his way to express impatience for any reason because he can not communicate verbally yet. But even though Noah is so patient with it, I know it must wear on his nerves, because it frays ours.
For Matt, attachment has been a major issue -- both Peter attaching to Matt and Matt attaching to Peter. This is very common and is something that we both read about and were told to expect, but that has not made it any easier on either of them.
Honestly, integrating our adopted two and a half year old (who is developmentally around 12 months old) into our family is by far the most difficult thing we have ever done -- and I went to the Naval Academy and we both served in the Navy, for goodness sake!
All that to say, I love my family of four beyond words and am working hard at it, but this season in our lives presents daily struggles. When people ask how it is going and want a response consisting of a smile with an 'it's going great,' - well, it is going great, but that is not the whole story and does not even scratch the surface.
I write this not to complain, because like I said before, I dearly love my family, I know I am blessed, and I do not for a moment regret our decision to adopt. I write this to be real, honest, transparent, and admit that it is not all rainbows and unicorns.
Now that I am mentally fried from publicly laying all that out there, here are some pictures of my little loves:
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